How do you Disarm Angry Combative Parents?
- IT STARTS WITH ASKING CALIBRATED QUESTIONS THAT EXPOSE THE PERCEIVED PROBLEMS, THEY START WITH HOW OR WHAT QUESTIONS.
- START WITH AN "AUDIT OF PROBLEMS AND ACCUSATIONS", STAY DETACHED FROM THE ACCUSATIONS.
- NEVER TRY USING LOGIC WHEN EMOTIONS ARE HOT!
- ACKNOWLEDGE THE PARENTS EMOTIONS AND USE "EMPATHY" TO BUILD A RAPPORT WITH HOW & WHAT QUESTIONS. HOW CAN I HELP YOU & YOUR CHILD?E BE SUCCESSFUL IN SCHOOL? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO CHANGE MOVING FORWARD TO INSURE SUCCESS?
Some schools are becoming more and more toxic as principals and school administrations opt-out of managing, communicating, and dealing with "problematic students and parents." Teachers are leaving the profession after years of little or no support, working in unhealthy hostile work environments. What is the solution when parents are angry, toxic, and or abusive? Some parents have every right to be upset in our over-tested, confusing, and ever-changing educational goals.
“He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.”... “Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you.” - Chris Voss Retired FBI hostage Negotiator
First, don't panic and keep calm. Stay focused on the positive and set up a working relationship at the very beginning of the year. What are the issues being discussed throughout the year and what is the agreed agenda when parents have questions or a grievance? Everyone knows good communication and feedback is needed, listening is key for both parties. Parents may have zero interest in listening to anything you say if they are angry. Asking open-ended questions can get the conversation started and help cool things down. The FBI has a 95 percent success rate in terms of resolving a hostage crisis without fatalities using open-ended questions. But what happens when parents go negative and start attacking your ideas, teaching methods, curriculum, classroom management, and or grading, your first instinct is to go on the defensive. If you cannot get the conversation back on track quickly with redirecting questions and the Golden rule, you need to stop the conversation politely and set up a new time. If your principal is "BUSY" find a colleague to attend the new meeting and have a prepared agenda. Teachers should never continue a conversation when there is verbal abuse or personal attacks. Do not take verbal abuse, remove yourself from the raw emotions and seek a colleague to talk with and decompress. Teachers don't always act like their time is valuable but it is very valuable.
- Start with open-ended questions, keep questions slanted to the positive and directed to solutions
- Listen to understand their perspectives, even more so when you disagree with their point of view
- Plan out an agenda whenever possible with clear guidelines
- Document and record critical ideas, focus on decisions being made not on the decision makers!
Improve Your Meetings With Parents Using an Effective Agenda!
Questions to ask your parents before a meeting:
This only works with reasonable parents!
- What are your questions, concerns, ...? Create goals and objectives for your agenda based on those concerns.
- What are your priorities...? Break down the key priorities into key points and who is making decisions based on those priorities.
- What has worked in the past...? Use the agenda to explore solutions and strategies.
Disarm your parents with The Quick 4!
- Interesting, please tell me more..., how can I help...
- Interesting, please explain why you said that...
- Interesting, please help me to understand..., explain your concerns further...
- Interesting, I agree we need to fix this, what are your ideas...
Respond to your parents and administrators the "Mr. Spock Way!" Socratic inquiry, the art of disarming and redirecting negative and unproductive conversations. Using open-ended questions to create a positive dialogue.
Fascinating, what is your desired outcome for this conversation....
1. That is fascinating/interesting, please explain your thinking further...
2. That is fascinating/interesting, please explain why you would say that to me...
3. That is fascinating/interesting, please explain why you do it that way...
4. That is fascinating/interesting, please explain you "ideas, strategies, goals, experience, praxis" further...
5. Fascinating/interesting, why would you say that...
6. That is fascinating/interesting, why do you believe that please explain you reasoning...
7. That is fascinating/interesting, please help me see your point of view...
8. Fascinating, what do you want me to change...and why do you believe it is...
9. Interesting, what do you think is getting in the way of our success...
10. Interesting, please suggest a strategy that you think will work... and why....
11. Fascinating, how do we move forward and create success out of...
12. Interesting, I want to know more about your solutions, strategies, theories, plans....
13. Interesting, please give me some insights, goals, objectives, recommendations, that will work for...all of us/both of us.
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