THE OFFICIAL SNARKY DICTIONARY OF POLITICAL DOUBLESPEAK

 THE OFFICIAL SNARKY DICTIONARY OF

POLITICAL DOUBLESPEAK

& OTHER Verbal Gymnastics

A Comprehensive Guide to Reading Between the Spin

Sir Castaic Edition  |  Volume I  |  Updated Whenever Something New Is Denied

A FOREWORD FROM THE EDITORS

For too long, citizens have sat in front of their televisions, squinting at press conferences, thinking: "I am fairly certain that sentence meant something, but I am not sure what." This dictionary exists to fix that. Inside these pages you will find a rigorous, peer-reviewed (by people who watch a lot of C-SPAN), etymologically embellished, and entirely sincere guide to what politicians actually mean when they say the things they say.

No politicians were harmed in the making of this dictionary. Several press secretaries were mildly inconvenienced.

HOW TO USE THIS DICTIONARY: Each entry contains (1) the term, (2) its part of speech, (3) a completely fabricated but spiritually accurate etymology, (4) what it actually means, and (5) an example with translation. Read it before any debate, press conference, or family dinner at which a relative works in politics.

Bipartisan  (adjective)

ETYMOLOGY:  From Latin bi (two) + partisan (people arguing at Thanksgiving dinner). First used in 1842 when Senator Cornelius Bluffington agreed with his opponent only after both were caught eating from the same buffet.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Both sides temporarily pretend to agree on something completely toothless and non-threatening, such as naming a post office or declaring that dogs are good.

IN THE WILD:  "We've reached a bipartisan agreement." Translation: We agreed on nothing important, but here's a photo of us shaking hands.

 

Plan in Two Weeks  (noun phrase / temporal black hole)

ETYMOLOGY:  Derived from ancient Mesopotamian "next moon-cycle," a phrase used by village elders to delay building the new granary indefinitely. Modernized in the 1970s by congressional aides who discovered two weeks is long enough to forget the question was asked.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Never. Absolutely never. Not in two weeks, not in two years. The plan does not exist. It will never exist. You will grow old waiting for this plan.

IN THE WILD:  "We'll have a full healthcare plan ready in two weeks." Translation: My intern Googled it once. That's the plan.

 

Fake News  (noun / magic eraser)

ETYMOLOGY:  Corrupted from the Old French faque newes, meaning "news I personally find uncomfortable." Popularized in the digital age when politicians discovered that pointing at a camera and saying "FAKE" was faster than issuing a correction.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Any factually accurate, well-sourced, and inconveniently timed news story that makes the speaker look bad. Also occasionally: actual fake news, used as cover.

IN THE WILD:  "That's fake news." Translation: It's real news, and I hate it.

 

We're Looking Into It  (verb phrase / bureaucratic sedative)

ETYMOLOGY:  From the Proto-Germanic lookenz intoz, a phrase ancient chieftains used when villagers complained about the dragon. Historical records show zero dragons were ever addressed.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  A committee has been formed. The committee will meet quarterly. The committee's findings will be summarized in a report that will be reviewed by another committee.

IN THE WILD:  "We're looking into the water contamination." Translation: Someone made a folder on their desktop labeled 'water thing.'

 

Hardworking Families  (noun phrase / rhetorical confetti)

ETYMOLOGY:  First deployed by Senator Beauregard Pompington III in 1963, who needed to seem relatable despite owning six yachts. The word 'families' was added because 'hardworking people' didn't poll as warmly.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Everyone who isn't a billionaire or a corporation, invoked entirely to justify policies that may or may not actually help them. Sprinkle liberally on any speech for instant emotional seasoning.

IN THE WILD:  "This tax bill is for hardworking families." Translation: This tax bill is for people who already have an accountant.

 

I Misspoke  (verb / retrospective lie repair)

ETYMOLOGY:  From the Latin mispokeus, coined by Roman senator Gluteus Maximus after claiming he "never said barbarians were invited" when it was carved in stone. The stone was later declared "out of context."

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  I said exactly what I meant, it was recorded, and now I regret that humans have ears. This is not an apology. This is an acknowledgment that words came out of my mouth.

IN THE WILD:  "I misspoke when I said crime rates are up 400%." Translation: I made that number up and someone checked.

 

Out of Context  (adjective phrase / video editing defense)

ETYMOLOGY:  Derived from the Greek kontextus extractus, the defense used by Athenian orators when their full speeches were quoted verbatim. The Athenians then banned verbatim transcription.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  In full context. Precisely, word for word, with accurate surrounding sentences that only make it worse.

IN THE WILD:  "That clip was taken completely out of context." Translation: The full context is a longer version of the same thing.

 

Transparency  (noun / abstract decoration)

ETYMOLOGY:  From the Latin transparere (to show through), adapted by 17th-century diplomats who discovered saying the word achieved the same public satisfaction as actually doing it, at a fraction of the cost.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  A quality the speaker claims to embody immediately before declining to release documents, answer questions, or explain where the money went.

IN THE WILD:  "This administration is committed to full transparency." Translation: We will announce when we have decided what you're allowed to know.

 

Investing In  (gerund phrase / spending euphemism)

ETYMOLOGY:  Evolved from Wall Street jargon in the 1980s when advisors discovered 'spending' caused voters to faint, while 'investing' made them feel like shareholders in America, LLC.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Spending money. It is spending. We are spending money on this thing. There is no return on investment being tracked. Nobody will ask where it went.

IN THE WILD:  "We're investing in our nation's future." Translation: We are spending money. Please feel optimistic.

 

Both Sides  (noun phrase / accountability diffuser)

ETYMOLOGY:  Traced to mediator Reginald Bothsidius of 1790s Philadelphia, who, when asked to assign blame for a fire, said 'well, oxygen was also involved.' He was very popular at dinner parties.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  A rhetorical device used to avoid saying one side did something bad by reminding everyone that the other side once also did something, regardless of scale, equivalence, or relevance.

IN THE WILD:  "There are bad people on both sides." Translation: I need this to go away and symmetry is comforting.

 

Reform  (noun / policy shape-shifter)

ETYMOLOGY:  From Latin reformare (to form again), which in practice means forming the same shape but with different people's names on it. Political science historians note that 'reform' has been promised 4,000 times in the U.S. Congress with a success rate of 'we'll get back to you.'

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  A change to a system that may make it better, worse, or completely identical, depending on who you ask and who funded their campaign.

IN THE WILD:  "We need comprehensive reform." Translation: Something must look like it's changing.

 

Thoughts and Prayers  (noun phrase / crisis management starter kit)

ETYMOLOGY:  Shortened from the Victorian phrase 'Thoughts and Prayers and Perhaps a Commission,' which was itself shortened from 'Thoughts and Prayers and a Comprehensive Policy Response,' which was deleted in editing.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  An immediate, cost-free, zero-legislative-effort response to tragedy that signals emotional awareness without triggering any committee hearings.

IN THE WILD:  "Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims." Translation: This press release took 4 minutes to write.

 

Clean Coal  (noun phrase / oxymoron in a hard hat)

ETYMOLOGY:  First coined in a 1987 industry focus group when participants rated 'coal' as 'dirty' and 'clean' as 'good,' leading a consultant named Dave to combine them. Dave was given a bonus.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Coal. It is coal. The word 'clean' is doing extraordinarily heavy lifting here and is not being paid for it.

IN THE WILD:  "The future is clean coal." Translation: The future involves coal, and we'd like you to feel good about that.

 

We Can't Afford It  (verb phrase / selective fiscal alarm)

ETYMOLOGY:  From the ancient Roman senatus phrase non possumus, deployed exclusively when discussing public benefits. Mysteriously absent during votes for military spending, tax cuts for donors, or the renovation of government cafeterias.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  We have chosen not to pay for this. The money exists. We simply prefer it go elsewhere. Please do not check the defense budget.

IN THE WILD:  "We simply can't afford universal school lunches." Translation: We can, and here is a $40 billion weapons contract for context.

 

The American People Want  (noun clause / ventriloquism technique)

ETYMOLOGY:  Derived from the political tradition of polltophagy, the act of selectively consuming only the polls that agree with you. Coined when Senator Herschel Waffleton realized 'I want' was less persuasive than 'everyone wants.'

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  The speaker wants this. Possibly one focus group also wanted it. The American people were not formally consulted.

IN THE WILD:  "The American People want lower taxes." Translation: My donors want lower taxes and I've generalized outward.

 

Entitlements  (noun / perfectly normal programs wearing a villain costume)

ETYMOLOGY:  Originally a legal term for things you are entitled to by law, transformed in the 1980s into a sinister-sounding word through sheer repetition. Experts believe if Social Security had been named 'Freedom Savings,' the conversation would be different.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Programs people paid into and are legally owed, rebranded to sound like something handed out at a spoiled child's birthday party.

IN THE WILD:  "We must address entitlement spending." Translation: Let's talk about your retirement money.

 

We'll Cross That Bridge When We Come to It  (idiom / future problem abandonment)

ETYMOLOGY:  From the actual bridge-building industry of the 1800s, where contractors discovered saying this phrase delayed having to admit the bridge had not been designed yet. The phrase outlived most of those bridges.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  We have no plan. We are aware a plan will eventually be necessary. We have decided that awareness is sufficient for now.

IN THE WILD:  "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Translation: That bridge is on fire and we have been standing next to it for three years.

 

Job Creators  (noun / donor synonym)

ETYMOLOGY:  Replaced the term 'wealthy business owners' in approximately 2003 after focus groups showed 'job creator' tested 47 points higher on the 'sounds heroic' scale. The jobs may or may not have been created.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Rich people and corporations. Very specifically the ones whose accountants have already met with the relevant committee.

IN THE WILD:  "We must not burden our job creators." Translation: We must not tax the people who fund our campaigns.

 

National Security Concerns  (noun phrase / conversation ender)

ETYMOLOGY:  From the Latin securitas nationalis, a phrase so powerful that Roman senators used it to end aqueduct debates, lunch questions, and at least one birthday party. It has only grown stronger with age.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  A phrase that ends all further inquiry. What concerns? We cannot say. Why not? National security concerns. The ouroboros of accountability.

IN THE WILD:  "We can't release those records due to national security concerns." Translation: We cannot release those records.

 

This Is Not Who We Are  (sentence / aspirational self-delusion)

ETYMOLOGY:  Believed to originate with Viscount Cornelius Nobetter of 14th-century England, who said 'this is not who we are' after a rather bad Tuesday. Historians noted it was, in fact, exactly who they were.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  This is something that has happened, possibly many times, and we would like to establish emotional distance from it without examining the systems that produced it.

IN THE WILD:  "This is not who we are as a nation." Translation: This has happened before. Let's feel bad together and move on.

 

Drain the Swamp  (verb phrase / metaphorical landscaping project)

ETYMOLOGY:  Originally an actual 1900s public health campaign against malaria mosquitoes. Borrowed by politics when someone realized voters hated Washington about as much as they hated malaria. The swamp has never been drained. It has been restocked.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Replace the existing swamp creatures with my swamp creatures. Same swamp. New creatures. Different smell.

IN THE WILD:  "It's time to drain the swamp." Translation: It's time to drain your swamp so mine has more room.

 

Let Me Be Clear  (introductory phrase / clarity warning that precedes confusion)

ETYMOLOGY:  Derived from 18th-century parliamentary procedure, where 'let me be clear' was a formal signal that the speaker was about to say something that required unusual opacity. It remains a reliable predictor of incoming fog.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  What follows will be the most densely worded, carefully hedged, technically accurate but emotionally misleading statement of the entire press conference.

IN THE WILD:  "Let me be clear." Translation: I have been coached extensively on this answer.

 

Special Interests  (noun phrase / the other guy's donors)

ETYMOLOGY:  First used symmetrically, then weaponized. Every politician's donors are 'stakeholders' or 'concerned citizens.' Every opponent's donors are 'special interests.' No dictionary has ever successfully reconciled this.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Whoever is funding the other side. Your side's donors are community leaders, small business owners, and patriotic Americans who care deeply.

IN THE WILD:  "We must fight the special interests." Translation: We must fight the interests that are not mine.

 

Long-Term Solution  (noun phrase / successor's problem)

ETYMOLOGY:  Coined by Senator Beaumont Kickthecan in 1902, who proposed a 40-year infrastructure plan knowing full well he would be dead. The tradition has continued unbroken.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  A solution so far in the future that no one currently alive will be in office when it's due. If results are bad, different people will be blamed. If results are good, credit will be claimed retroactively.

IN THE WILD:  "We need a long-term solution to this crisis." Translation: We need something that sounds like a solution by the next election.

 

Boots on the Ground  (noun phrase / human beings in a metaphor)

ETYMOLOGY:  Military jargon adopted by politicians in the early 2000s when advisors determined 'soldiers' made the public sad, while 'boots' implied something more like a shoe store than a war.

WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS:  Soldiers. Human soldiers. People with families. The boots belong to people.

IN THE WILD:  "We're not putting boots on the ground." Translation: We are doing a thing that looks extremely similar to putting boots on the ground.

CLOSING REMARKS

This dictionary will be updated quarterly, or whenever a politician says something that makes a journalist's eye twitch in a new and exciting way. Future volumes will include an appendix on hand gestures, a field guide to podium-gripping intensities, and a glossary of tie colors and what they signal about a vote that already happened.

Remember:

"An informed voter is a dangerous voter."

— Every incumbent, probably.