Roman Teen Scroll Magazine Horribilis Adulescens Romanus
ACTA ADOLESCENTIUM ROMANORUM
The Totally True and Slightly Revolting Magazine for Roman Teens
Issue XXVII • Price: II asses • “Read in the bathhouse, forum, or while hiding from your tutor”
SALVETE, TEENS OF ROME!
Are you bored while your father argues in the forum? Tired of practicing speeches by Cicero? Wondering whether your friend is actually cool or merely owns a very shiny toga pin?
Then welcome to Acta Adolescentium Romanorum — your guide to the weirdest, grossest, funniest, and most unbelievable facts from around the Roman world.
This month's issue includes:
- Why rich people use Spanish urine on their teeth
- The latest food trend: stuffed dormice
- News from Hadrian’s Wall
- What Spartan boys really do during training
- The newest female gladiator
- Ten disgusting things Romans do every day
- Market prices from the Forum
- Why your backside may soon be cleaner than ever
SHOCKING NEW BEAUTY CRAZE!
“Whiter Teeth with Strong Spanish Urine!”
A fashionable new product from Hispania is sweeping Rome. Wealthy Romans are rinsing their mouths with old urine imported from Spain because it contains ammonia, which helps whiten teeth.
The smell is terrible. The results? Apparently amazing.
One senator’s son said:
“My breath smells like a donkey stable, but my teeth are dazzling!”
The Emperor Vespasian even taxed urine collected from public toilets because it was valuable for cleaners, tanners, and laundry workers.
TEEN TIP:
If your friend offers you “minty Spanish mouthwash,” ask a few questions first.
FOOD OF THE MONTH
Crunchy Dormouse Surprise
Romans love strange food, especially at rich dinner parties. One of the fanciest snacks is the dormouse — a tiny sleepy rodent.
The dormice are fed nuts until they become fat, then cooked with honey, herbs, and sometimes poppy seeds.
Fancy hosts serve them stuffed inside little clay dishes.
OTHER WEIRD ROMAN FOODS:
- Flamingo tongues
- Peacock brains
- Jellyfish
- Fermented fish sauce called garum poured on almost everything
- Snails fattened on milk
One cookbook by Apicius even recommends serving boiled ostrich.
Modern kids complain about broccoli. Roman kids had to pretend they enjoyed honey-glazed mice.
BATHHOUSE GOSSIP
Why Everyone Is Sharing the Same Sponge
Public toilets in Rome are long benches with holes cut into them. There are no doors. Everyone sits together and chats.
To clean up afterward, Romans use a sponge on a stick called a tersorium.
The problem?
Everyone uses the same sponge.
Usually it is rinsed in salt water or vinegar between uses. Usually.
THINGS OVERHEARD IN A ROMAN TOILET:
- “Pass the sponge.”
- “Who used all the vinegar?”
- “Don’t sit there. That seat is haunted.”
Some Romans believed toilets were dangerous places filled with evil spirits and bad luck.
NEWS FROM BRITANNIA
Barbarians, Rain, and Hadrian’s Wall
The Emperor Hadrian has ordered a giant wall built across northern Britain.
The wall stretches about 73 Roman miles and is meant to keep out tribes from the north.
Soldiers stationed there report:
- Endless rain
- Mud everywhere
- Terrible food
- No amphitheater
- “At least three sheep looking suspicious”
One soldier wrote home:
“Please send socks. Also send more socks.”
Archaeologists really have found Roman letters from Britain asking for warmer clothes.
LATEST NEWS:
A unit near the wall claims they scared off raiders by making extra noise with shields and shouting insults in bad Celtic.
SPORTS SECTION
The New Female Gladiator Everyone Is Talking About
Rome is buzzing about a female gladiator called Achillia.
Female gladiators, called gladiatrices, are rare but real. Ancient carvings show women fighting in the arena wearing armor, carrying shields, and using swords.
Achillia recently defeated two opponents in a match so exciting that people threw flowers, money, and one sandal into the arena.
Her fan club is growing quickly.
ARENA FASHION WATCH:
This season’s gladiator look:
- Bronze helmet
- Tiny shield
- Dramatic red cape
- Dust everywhere
- Extremely serious expression
HORRIBLE SCHOOL
A Day in the Life of a Roman Teen
6:00 AM — Wake up.
6:05 AM — Complain.
6:15 AM — Go to school carrying wax tablets.
Roman schools are strict. Students write on wooden tablets coated in wax. If they make a mistake, they smooth the wax and try again.
Teachers can be very harsh.
Punishments may include:
- Being hit with a stick
- Copying the same sentence 100 times
- Standing in the corner while everyone laughs
Typical school subjects:
- Reading
- Writing
- Memorizing speeches
- Greek
- Mathematics
- Trying not to fall asleep while a teacher reads poetry for three hours
MOST HATED HOMEWORK:
“Memorize all 300 lines before tomorrow.”
SPECIAL REPORT
The Greeks: Why Romans Are Obsessed with Them
Romans love Greek art, Greek stories, Greek teachers, and Greek statues.
Many rich Roman families hire Greek tutors because Greek is considered the language of educated people.
Roman teens are expected to know stories about:
- Achilles
- Odysseus
- Hercules
- The Trojan War
Some Roman boys even complain that they must learn both Latin and Greek.
Imagine having homework in two languages and still being expected to help run the family farm.
INSIDE SPARTA
Spartan Training: Absolutely Not a Fun Summer Camp
In Sparta, boys begin military training around age seven.
They leave home and join a harsh system called the agoge.
Spartan boys:
- Sleep on reeds
- Wear very little clothing
- Are often hungry
- Train to fight every day
- Are encouraged to steal food
But if they get caught stealing, they are punished — not for stealing, but for getting caught.
Spartan boys also wrestle, run, throw spears, and learn to endure pain without crying.
WORST SPARTAN RULE:
Boys may be whipped at a temple competition just to prove how tough they are.
Roman teens reading this are reminded that perhaps school in Rome is not so bad after all.
FORUM MARKET PRICES
How Much Does Stuff Cost?
Today’s average prices in the Forum:
| Item | Price |
|---|---|
| Loaf of bread | II asses |
| Cup of watered wine | I as |
| New sandals | XII asses |
| Small pet dog | L denarii |
| Writing tablet | III asses |
| Cheap fish sauce | II asses |
| Fancy fish sauce | X asses |
| One live chicken | V asses |
TERRIBLE DEAL OF THE WEEK:
“Buy one goat, get one slightly smaller goat.”
TEN THINGS ROMAN TEENS DO THAT WOULD HORRIFY MODERN KIDS
- Eat dormice.
- Brush teeth with urine.
- Share one sponge in the toilet.
- Watch people fight in arenas.
- Sleep in the same room as the whole family.
- Wear itchy wool in summer.
- Walk everywhere.
- Memorize giant speeches in school.
- Drink watered-down wine instead of juice.
- Think lead pipes are a brilliant idea.
SCIENCE CORNER
Roman Doctors Say: “Maybe Put a Cabbage on It?”
Roman medicine is a mixture of useful ideas and complete nonsense.
Doctors may recommend:
- Honey on cuts
- Cabbage for headaches
- Crushed mouse for earaches
- Frog ashes for toothaches
- Leeches for almost everything
One doctor claims baldness can be cured with a lotion made from horse teeth, bear grease, and burnt mice.
We are not making this up.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Acta,
My father says I must become a lawyer, but I want to race chariots. What should I do?
— Gaius, age XIV
Reply:
Become a lawyer who races chariots illegally at night.
Dear Acta,
My older brother joined the army and now only writes home about mud.
— Livia, age XIII
Reply:
That means he is definitely in Britain.
NEXT ISSUE!
Coming next month in Acta Adolescentium Romanorum:
- “Top 10 Worst Emperors”
- “Can You Survive a Roman Banquet?”
- “The Truth About Egyptian Mummies”
- “Gladiator Quiz: Which Arena Fighter Are You?”
- “We Visit Pompeii Before Anything Bad Happens”
VALE!
Fold up this scroll before your teacher catches you reading it in rhetoric class.
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